


Start Over

by waywardangel (leviarty)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Do-Over, Episode Fix-It: s15e20 Carry On, Episode: s03e11 Mystery Spot, Fix-It, Love Confessions, M/M, Obligatory Mystery Spot/Carry On Coda (sort of), Time Travel, it sounds like crack but it's not, mention of suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:02:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27703190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leviarty/pseuds/waywardangel
Summary: Today is Tuesday. Yesterday was Monday. You’re gonna do Monday again. And this time, you’re gonna do it right.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 3
Kudos: 151





	1. Side A

**♫** **Heat of the moment** **  
Telling me what your—** **♫**

“Rise and shine, Sammy,” Dean said over the blaring music.

Sam looked from Dean, to the alarm, and back to Dean again with eyes wide.

“Dude, Asia,” Dean said, bobbing his head to the beat as he tied his laces.

“What the fucking fuck? Shit. Are you fucking kidding me?!” Sam shouted.

It was Dean’s turn to widen his eyes. “Sammy,” he said, raising his hand to his chest as he gasped in faux outrage.

“Gabriel!” Sam yelled, ignoring his brother. He smacked the clock as he stood, cutting off the music.

“Who the fuck is Gabriel?” Dean asked, eyes following Sam around the room.

“Just. Stay here. Don’t. Do. Anything. Stay here.” He opened the motel door, open-mouthed and ready to start yelling again.

But Gabriel was already there, leaning against the wall, waiting.

Sam closed his mouth and furrowed his brow and half glanced over his shoulder at Dean. He did a double take.

Dean was gone.

“Sorry, kiddo, that last one wasn’t me. But I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to revisit my favorite game, could I.” Gabriel strutted passed Sam, flinging himself onto the now-empty bed. Sam watched him, slack jawed, seemingly incapable of forming any kind of coherent thought. “And unfortunately, this one isn’t quite like the rest, either. This ain’t real. That was. But you can fix it.”

“What the hell is going on, Gabriel?”

“You saved the world! You defeated Dad! Replaced him with the upgraded model—good job with the kid, by the way. You three somehow managed to impart most of your good qualities onto him, and only a few of the bad ones. Though, he did bring me back, so that does bring his morals into question. But he’s doing good. What Dad should’ve done.

“But I digress,” Gabriel continued. He hopped to his feet and began wandering around the room, picking up and playing with anything that wasn’t bolted down. “You did it. Free will! That was the whole schtick, right?” His face fell into a serious expression. “And then you just shat all over it.”

“What?” Sam asked. His mind was reeling. Dean’s death was so fresh in his mind, so vivid, but there were a thousand other swirling memories in there, vague impressions of everything that came after…

“Sasquatch,” Gabriel said, grabbing him by the shoulders. “Get your head on. Focus. Your brother died. You let him.”

“It’s what he wanted,” Sam said before he knew how to form the words.

“Oh bullshit,” Gabriel said, rolling his eyes as he spun away. “Would you hand a gun to someone standing on a ledge? _He was barely holding it together_. Barely, but he was **trying**. For the first time in your lives, he was trying to do something more than just follow daddy’s orders. Did you even know he was applying for jobs? He got one, too. A good one. And you just let him go.”

“Saving each other… it never works out right,” Sam said. But even as he said it, it didn’t feel right. He knew it didn’t feel right. “It always makes things worse,” he said quietly.

“You idiot sandwich, I’m not talking about making a _demon deal_. Though, with Ro in charge of things, you probably could’ve gotten a good one. Are you so screwed in the head that you actually forgot that doctors exist? Like, human doctors? That could’ve saved him?”

Sam stared at him, opening his mouth as he tried to say… something. Anything to make sense of it.

He let out a sob, hanging his head to his chest in defeat.

He’d screwed up. He’d screwed up so bad.

“It’s too late,” were the words that finally found their way.

“Why do you think I’m here, gigantor? Jackie might’ve sworn off interference, but what kind of trickster would I be if I didn’t bend a few rules for my two favorite Winchesters? That whole idiot-montage you caught a glimpse of, the reason you don’t _feel it_ —it’s because it hasn’t happened yet. It’s just one of a few likely futures after what _did_ happen. I can turn the clock back, just a little, but I needed you to see everything first.”

“What are you saying?” Sam asked.

“Today is Tuesday. Yesterday was Monday. You’re gonna do Monday again. And this time, you’re gonna do it right.” Gabriel held up his fingers, armed to snap. He paused. “Jack will know what happened, but Cas won’t. The little angel has been hiding out in heaven, afraid to deal with the consequences of what he said. He really thinks it’s not mutual, can you believe that?”

And with a snap, he was gone.

Sam sat upright in his bed.

He stayed there a while, far longer than he normally would, feeling lost, like there was a hole in his chest still.

And what if he got up and Dean was still—

He wanted to puke just thinking about it.

He could still feel his brother’s blood in his hands. Could still smell the smoke from the pyre.

Eventually, he pulled himself from the bed, sliding on his slippers and whatever t-shirt he grabbed from the drawer, and started to leave. He stopped at the door, hand resting on the knob, and took a deep breath, steeling himself.

When he finally opened the door, Dean was walking past his room, Miracle in his arms like a tired child, head resting on his shoulder.

“Morning, sleepyhead,” Dean greeted. Miracle whined. Sam watched the pair of them as they disappeared down the hall.

Breakfast was usually a quiet affair, at least until Dean hit his second cup of coffee, but the mood this morning felt particularly off. Sam felt off.

That was no surprise though, was it? He had, very recently, felt his brother die, _again_. And he’d failed to stop it. He’d let it happen.

“You good?” Dean asked, cocking an eyebrow as he idly stroked Miracle’s head, resting gently in his lap.

“Yeah,” he answered quickly. “I, uh… I had a mystery spot dream.” It wasn’t entirely a lie, and it got the point across, didn’t it?

“Shit. That was a long ass time ago.”

“I know.” Sam shook his head. “I’ll be fine. What about you?”

“What about me?” Dean asked. He snapped a piece of bacon in two, eating one half while he snuck the other half to Miracle. Sam pretended not to notice.

“How are you doing?”

Dean flashed a smile. “I’m peachy.”

Bullshit.

They had spent the last week, every day since they stopped Chuck, searching for monster activity as they had done for years. Only now, they were coming up nearly empty. The few cases they did catch were near other hunters, already being taken care of.

Only… only now Sam had realized that _they_ weren’t doing that. He was. Dean hadn’t been searching for cases at all. He’d been searching for jobs.

So when Sam came across the case again—the one he knew now was _mime-pires_ —he sent it another hunter, along with far more details than he should’ve known. He wasn’t going to be responsible for his brother’s death again, but he wasn’t going to be response for some other hunter’s either.

“What did Cas say?” he asked. “Before he…”

“Sammy, don’t,” he said, his hand pausing on Miracle’s back.

“Come on, Dean. It’s been over a week. You don’t talk about it, but you’re—”

Shit.

He was struck, for the first time, by just how _sad_ Dean seemed. Dean, who once hated dogs, who never wanted one, was here now, pouring every ounce of love and affection he had into the dog he found at the end of the world.

Sam had been so caught up in everything, in figuring things out with Eileen, with missing his friend and their kid, with finally being free…

He’d been so caught up, that he didn’t see how it was affecting Dean.

It wasn’t like last time. His behavior was such stark contrast, a complete 180 from how he’d been the last time Cas died, that he’d managed to fool even Sam.

“You’re barely holding it together,” he said finally, echoing what Gabriel had known long before he did.

Dean sighed and shook his head. He stood up to leave, patting his leg for Miracle to follow. He stopped in the doorway for a long moment, his hand resting against the wall. He didn’t turn back to Sam, and when he finally spoke again, his voice was small and far away; Sam almost thought he’d imagined it. Almost.

“He told me he loved me.”


	2. Side B

Dean sat in his bed, with Miracle snuggled up in the pool of blankets in his lap, as he mindlessly ran his fingers through the dog’s fur.

He wasn’t mad at Sam. He was just tired. Tired of waking up every morning and having to put himself together, only to have it all come crumbling apart again.

And Sam just had to keep bringing it up, didn’t he? That Cas was gone. That Jack was gone. That after _everything_ they’d been through, they were right back where they started. Just Sam and Dean. Their little family, fractured back down to two.

As if Dean wasn’t feeling it. As if Cas’ death wasn’t tearing him apart.

As if it all couldn’t have been prevented if Dean had just hadn’t been too afraid to tell him how he felt years ago.

Dean sighed and buried his face in Miracle’s neck. “I love you,” he said into his fur, and he was absolutely uncertain if he was talking to the dog or Cas. Miracle licked his ear.

When Dean pulled open the door, Miracle darted out, running past the trench coated figure standing there.

Dean froze, his eyes rising to see _Cas_ standing there, hand still posed to knock on the door.

A dream. A trick.

Cas’ hand slowly lowered to his side as he offered Dean a small, uncertain smile. “Hello, Dean.”

And Dean didn’t care. He didn’t care if it was a shifter or a djinn or some other kind of illusion that was sure to kill him. He lunged forward, enveloping Cas in his arms.

After a moment, Cas relaxed, bringing his arms up to return the embrace.

“Is… are you real?” Dean finally managed to ask, pulling away to search Cas’ eyes for anything unfamiliar. There was nothing. Just whole and truly _Cas_. “How…"

“Yes,” Cas said. “Jack brought me back. We’ve been, ah, fixing things in Heaven.”

He wrapped his arms around the angel again, holding him tight. Cas didn’t hesitate to hold him back this time.

Dean buried his face in the collar of the trench coat and let out a sob.

“Dean…” Cas began. “Dean, why are you crying?”

“You’re back. I thought… I thought I’d never see you again and I…” Dean pulled away, half-smiling as he wiped away the tears threatening to fall.

Miracle ran past them again, jumping back into the bed.

“You got a dog?”

Dean laughed and sniffed back more tears. “Yeah, he, uh. I found him at a gas station, he was the only thing Chuck didn’t wipe from existence. And then, well, then he did. So, you’ve been fixing heaven?” he asked, trying to lighten things.

Cas nodded. “I wasn’t sure… Until Sam called, I wasn’t sure if you’d want to see me again—”

Dean snorted, rolling his eyes. “Idiot.”

“What?” Cas asked, having the audacity to looked offended. Dean reached out and took his hand, stroking his knuckles with his thumb. Cas stared at it for a long moment, not understanding.

“How could you really think…” Dean trailed off and shook his head. Start over. “ _You_ changed _me_ ,” he said. “All the good you see in me; it was only because of you. And I don’t just mean raising me out of hell, giving me a second chance. I mean, you did that too, but it was so much more. You made me _want_ to be better. Shit, and when you died again, I… I didn’t think I’d be able to pick myself up this time. _You_? Sacrificing yourself for _me_? Man, I ain’t worth it—”

“But you are,” Cas interrupted.

“Would you just—I’m trying to tell you that I love you, too; will you just let me do that?”

Cas’ mouth fell open in surprise.

“You see the best in me, even though I know you’ve seen the worst of me. You gave up everything for me. And how was I supposed to live with that? With knowing that I’d wasted every last opportunity to tell you how I felt, and in the end, you died not knowing. The only thing, _the only thing_ , that’s kept me going, besides that dog, is needing to make sure I didn’t waste what you gave up for me.”

Cas smiled at him, holding his hand tightly. He was at a loss for words.

“And now you’re back and…” Dean shook his head. “And it feels selfish to want more.”

Cas frowned. “What do you mean?”

Dean shrugged. “You’re an angel. You’ve got way more important shit to do than be here with me. And what I want… it doesn’t matter, does it. It’s selfish.”

“You’re allowed to be selfish, Dean,” Cas said. Dean been the opposite of selfish for his entire life. He’s never done anything for himself, hardly let himself ever _want_ anything. But he wanted this. “And if we want the same thing, can you even call it that? So, what is it you want?”

“I want you to stay,” he said finally.

Castiel nodded. “I want that too.”


End file.
